Category Archives: Word of the day

The Hidden Manipulation

An individual’s attempt to undermine or discredit the stability, and confidence of another individual by causing to doubt his/her senses, feelings, perceptions, and beliefs or commonly known as “gaslighting“. It is a psychological manipulation and emotional abuse.

Have you ever found someone that;-

  • made you wonder and questioned yourself,  “Am I being too sensitive?” “Am I overemotional?” “Am I crazy?” “Am I difficult to deal with?” constantly?
  • lead you to think twice before you brought up an innocent conversation or discussion topic?
  • you have to constantly make excuses or lies for their action and behavior to yourself or family?
  • tells lies, does not want to change but want you to change for them?
  • their actions do not match their words?
  • wear you down over time?
  • always made excuses like “I was just joking!” “It doesn’t mean anything” “Don’t get so worked up” “You are making things up” “That never happened” “There’s no pattern”?
  • made you explain to almost EVERYTHING such as the reason you were mad or sad and even had to explain that your feelings matter and valid but in the end, no use, they dismissed your feelings and you were the one end up apologizing?

If you answer “yes” to at least one of the telltale signs, well, congratulation, you found yourself a “gaslighter” because I know I did.

On a different note, here’s the graphic that gave me the idea to write this post. All credits go to their respective owners;

img_0785image-1image

References.

  1. https://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/doi/pdfplus/10.1176/ajp.2006.163.7.1147
  2. https://www.jstor.com/stable/26614542
  3. https://www.amazon.com/Gaslight-Effect-Survive-Manipulation-Control/dp/0767924460/
  4. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting

p.s. I should and could have read more, do extra research, provide more references, and write better about this particular topic but I don’t want to. I don’t want to remember and plus, I am actually procrastinating for something when I posted this.

I just want to get it out of my system, forget about it and move on. Fare thee well.

 

Let’s talk about Sarang

Sarang

What do I know about love? NOTHING! Well, that’s a good start. I have always been that one friend who was always single when all my friends were in a relationship with each other. You know, a third wheel. Haha¬†ūüėÄ

There were¬†some boys who tried to make a move on me but I’m so good at pushing people away. Plus, my pushy and bossy¬†attitude just turn them off. Even my mom said I scared the boys away.¬†Not something that I should be proud of but even I think it’s funny. Haha.

Since I have always been the third wheel and a people watcher, I see a lot of shit people in a relationship do, mostly from people that I know. It’s making me feel scared to be in a relationship. Maybe someday, yea? Far, far away in the future.

Firstly, there were¬†always one couple who was¬†all mushy and lovey dovey when they were still in a relationship. All their¬†statuses and tweets were all about how happy and wonderful their relationship were¬†and making people vomits all over the keyboard. Why do you want the whole world to know about your relationship? Even couple who were married for 10 or 15 years doesn’t brag or advertise their relationship on social media.

Obviously, this kind of love usually doesn’t last long and when they break up, both of them will curse each other on Facebook and Twitter. They don’t even deserve your sympathy. They were like from “I love you to the moon and back.” to “I fucking hate you. Rot in hell!” They wrote all the curse words in all languages that they know on Facebook and you know who they were meant for. They even tell everyone all the bad stuff their partner did just to embarrass each other.

Their stupidity just amuse me.

Long distant relationship. Type of relationship I hate the most. Even though I don’t have any experience on this kind of relationship but all my friends who were once¬†in a long distant relationship get their heart broken. It’s either their partner cheated on them or break up with some lame excuses and 1 week later, they were in a new relationship.

People that change from one partner to another partner just amaze me. How can you say the 3 words so easily? Hell, how can you find a new boyfriend/girlfriend in a really short amount of time? They can’t even stay single for a week and their love last for a week or two. Was your love even real?

It takes time to know someone completely. When I’m in a relationship, only Allah knows when, Lol, I want it to last. However, the only ship that I desperately need¬†right now is scholarship. See what I did there. Hah!

Moving on..

I believe trust is the most important thing in a relationship. I know someone who have an overly attached girlfriend. She gets jealous easily over stupid things. He can’t even talk to other girls. Actually, both of them were full of doubt with each other. They were always fighting over silly things and post it on Facebook. God damn it Facebook. Why bother being in a relationship when you can’t even trust your partner, right?

Don’t rush. Take love slowly. Cheers and I hope whoever reading this have a wonderful ‚̧ life.

A Hobbledehoy

HobbledehoyI’m shy, socially awkward and introvert person. A wallflower. I’m really bad at small talk. I have a hard time talking to or meeting new people and really uncomfortable in new situations or even in a new dress, shoes or new anything. I’m not bold. I don’t think I want to be the center of attraction. I just want to blend in and look ‘normal’.

However, I do want to speak more in class or the first one to say hi to my new roommates or classmates but I’m afraid to do so. Usually people will come up to me first and introduced themselves. I’m fine with someone approaching me first but I do feel anxious. “What if I say something embarrassing?” “Did I just say something stupid?” “I think they hate me now.”

Sometimes people think I’m arrogant or unfriendly since¬†I have always put on my blank expression. I don’t smile to strangers unless they smile to me first or talk a lot with someone I just meet. I’m socially awkward person. I don’t know how to act in social situations. “Should I smile?” “What if they think I’m a freak?” “What should I talk about next?”

I speak before I think and then feel stupid about it for 5 years and beat myself for being so awkward even no one else remembers. I’m not the only one, right? Maybe that’s why I love to blog. I can edit the stuff that I wrote. Yeah, a lot of time starring at the screen blankly, clicking “backspace” and edit button.

Anyway, I only have a small group of close friends but still, sometimes I will still feel awkward. I’m friend with everybody but it’s just take me some time to be comfortable around them. I’m sorry if there is an awkward¬†silence or energy surrounding us when you are talking to me. I still remain feeling uneasy¬†with people that I have known for a long time. Even my family and relatives.

Recently, I take a personality test and the result shows that I’m 52% introvert. It’s fine actually. It is. It¬†is true that¬†I love to spend my time alone with my thoughts. Well, I do hate the fact that I’m shy. I hate it when I feel nervous and have to struggle to¬†make conversation with people.

Sometimes when you are really awkward, you do awkward things. -Jenna Marbels.

I can relate. Lol. This post is what I called¬†a Brain Dump. Cheers ūüėÄ

Tsundoku

Tsundoku

Yep, that’s so me. I’m not much of a reader. I bought 4 books recently and now I have 5 to 6 unread books. Some of them are¬†Nuansa Cita,¬†Langdown Manor, The Devil Wears Prada & The Fault in Our Stars.¬†I actually read The Fault in Our Stars but I just stop halfway. Don’t get me wrong, It was a great book and so well-written but¬†when I stop, it will took me a long time before I started reading it again.

I don’t hate reading books. I do get all giddy when I walk in a bookstore. Books make life more interesting and give you a better perspective in life. You can find joy and peace of mind. Reading books is actually better than watching hundreds of movies. You use your imagination. Dreaming with open eyes.

Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are. -Mason Cooley.

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I did not pick the right book. Books that suit my taste. The right genre for me. I’m really bad at picking and I don’t know what kind of books to get. I have a hard time finding books that will keep my attention and doesn’t bore me easily. I usually just end up buying¬†random books.

And I actually thought people that read books in bookstores a cheapskates and doesn’t want to pay. They want to read books for free. That was what I thought when actually they were reading the first few pages to know whether they want to keep reading it or not. To know whether the book was worth it. Unlike me, I just randomly pick a book based on their cover. “Oh this book is in pink! Must be good.” And that’s just how stupid I am, people.

We should not judge a book by its cover or movie but that’s normal I guess. The first thing¬†that catches our eyes when choosing books to read are the book design and tittle. I usually just bought something from the Most Popular or Staff Picks shelves or Ideal Bookshelves because it’s easier that way. But that doesn’t mean it suits my interest or doesn’t get me bored right away. So that’s just some¬†of the reasons why I have so many books that I still have not read yet but I do have my favorite book, Can You Keep a Secret?¬†by Sophie Kinsella. Good plot.

So here’s the things I’ve learned,

  • Once you find the book that interest you, read a few pages and ask yourself if you want to continue reading it.
  • Don’t think you have to read a certain book because everyone else does or¬†it was the best-selling book.
  • Choose a book based on topic or genre that you are interested in.
  • Read book reviews or ask¬†someone to recommend a good book to you and that’s what I’m going to do now.

Tell me some good books that you have read and would recommend to me. And now I’m going to finish The Fault in Our Star by John Green,¬†60 pages to go. I really need to encourage myself to read more.

Fernweh

fernweh

I come from a small town called¬†Beaufort, Sabah, Malaysia. I have never been outside Malaysia. Hell, I have never been outside Sabah. I haven’t traveled far and that’s why I can not wait to leave home and further my studies, travel and go somewhere new.

I have this desire to explore. I want to travel. I think it is everyone dreams to travel the world, driving on unfamiliar roads and breathes the air of new places.¬†Places with good food and good people. Connect with people. People with different language. Spanish. French, the language of love. Learn new things and grow. Places where nobody knows who the hell you are. Don’t you just love the feeling of being anonymous in beautiful cities. I want to take beautiful pictures. Yes, pictures of¬†wonderland.

Festival of Colors in India. Lantern Festival in Taiwan. Backpacking around Europe. Italy, my favorite. Somewhere beautiful. I want to left my heart in so many places.

I want to live a life worth writing for. One step at a time.