I rarely gave a pat on my own back but this entry I would like do JUST THAT. Hopefully, none of my readers (if any) thought that I am being conceited or complacent.
I graduated with Master degree on September ‘19 (loooong overdue, I know). Hence, the title, to show that I am worthy and qualified to be sorted in the House. Heh. So, there, you go. That’s the little achievement. I did not think it was a big of a deal but that was just me being too hard on myself and forgotten how blessed, privileged and lucky I am.
We, human, sometimes forgot to be grateful for all the littles thing and there is someone out there longing for the stuffs that we take for granted; a phone with fast wi-fi, a car, understanding parents (do share with me your little blessing on the comment section below). So say it with me, together, loud and clear, Alhamdulillah. Good. Moving on.
I am blessed to have parents that fully believe that education is important- that it is not a waste of money nor time to gain knowledge (Trust me, not everyone think that). I am privileged to have family that would and able to fully support me financially to further my study. I am also lucky to be able to surround myself with people that think alike (In early 2020, I learnt the importance of *kufu’).
I am filled with gratitude to the people that help me along the journey. It was not an easy one, of course. Kita buat benda betul/baik memanglah susah (Dr. Wan, 2019).
I lost 3kgs of my weight. It was the lightest I have ever been in my life. I didn’t take care of myself. All I wanted was to quickly finished my lab works so that I could focused on my thesis writing (my favourite part. It was therapeutic for me). Usually, I ate once a day, in the afternoon even though most of the food were almost finished by that time. That was my lunch and dinner. I ate just to survive.
Sat there alone and cried while eating because I was stressing with my lab work. Crying in public is my forte. I do not remember how many times I cried in public but it just never bothers me and strangers, too, did not bother me. There was also one time when I felt hungry at night at the lab but cafes were no longer open so I ate candy… for my dinner.
I had difficulties in sleeping. I would usually end my lab work around 11.30PM, went back to my hostel, showered, get ready for bed, brain won’t shut, kept on thinking about my research, even let my log book open on the table in case I suddenly came up with new ideas or to-do-lists and then went back to the lab again around 12AM because I just couldn’t wait till 8AM the next morning to do just ONE thing. Everyone, meet my anxiety. It creeped most of my night. No one knows, of course.
I even gotten sick. I injured my right eye. I was so hurting, mind you, never in my 4 years in USM, I went to the hospital. Finally, in my fifth year there, I lost the battle.
I went to the hospital alone (sedih) to get my eye treated, I didn’t know where the department was so I asked around and when I finally found it, the nurse there said I had to register first so with my half-closed inflamed eye, I went for another quest, searching for the place she told me. Found it and I guessed the person in charge with the registration took pity of my condition and beckoned me to the counter before my number was called.
Long story short, the doctor said it was conjunctivitis. I reckon it was not. Conjunctivitis usually took at least one week to recover but it only took me 3-4 days (it did not stop me from going to the lab at night since only the daylight hurts my eye) and it was not itchy nor I had excessive eye boogers. Besides, a few days after that the feeling of my right eye being punctured plus excessive tears came back. Always every morning (the pain always woke me up) and last for about 2 to 3 hours and I would lay motionless on my bed unable to open my eyes and then my eye was okay again.
I ignored it until I finished my postgraduate study and even months after that (another evidence of my lack of self-care) when I finally asked my mom to bring me to the optometrist. The optometrist said I have dry eye and (battle) scar on my right eye. The pain was on and off till this day (it has been a year). Some day I would woke up shocked with pain in my eye in the middle of the night and some other day.. just normal.
Imagine like thousands of needles punctured your eyes. It even made me scared to fell asleep but I’m used to it now. It still hurts, though. I have been using at least 5 different eye medicines because some of them gave me allergies reaction. All of the sufferings were due to too much exposure to blue light; phone and laptop. I am addicted to my phone, mom said but I would like to believe that I studied hard reading all the journals and writing on hundreds of thesis pages 😉
Friends. Where are they? Who are they? I am not even going to start about my “friends” but I read somewhere, apa pun yang menyakitimu, ikhlaskan. Easier said than done, of course.
Fare thee well, everyone. I am going to end this entry with a picture of my parents and I.
*kufu’ – compatibility status (usually for marriage) between a woman and man. In this entry, I am not talking in religion nor money/work-wise aspects of kufu’ between couple but in the way our brain works/think/process/understand stuff between friends. I believe it depends on the tolerance between both party but if we do not have the same view in life, especially in something that we feel strongly about, well, that’s just going to be one hard ride. To put it simply, just plain frustrating.