A Hobbledehoy

HobbledehoyI’m shy, socially awkward and introvert person. A wallflower. I’m really bad at small talk. I have a hard time talking to or meeting new people and really uncomfortable in new situations or even in a new dress, shoes or new anything. I’m not bold. I don’t think I want to be the center of attraction. I just want to blend in and look ‘normal’.

However, I do want to speak more in class or the first one to say hi to my new roommates or classmates but I’m afraid to do so. Usually people will come up to me first and introduced themselves. I’m fine with someone approaching me first but I do feel anxious. “What if I say something embarrassing?” “Did I just say something stupid?” “I think they hate me now.”

Sometimes people think I’m arrogant or unfriendly since I have always put on my blank expression. I don’t smile to strangers unless they smile to me first or talk a lot with someone I just meet. I’m socially awkward person. I don’t know how to act in social situations. “Should I smile?” “What if they think I’m a freak?” “What should I talk about next?”

I speak before I think and then feel stupid about it for 5 years and beat myself for being so awkward even no one else remembers. I’m not the only one, right? Maybe that’s why I love to blog. I can edit the stuff that I wrote. Yeah, a lot of time starring at the screen blankly, clicking “backspace” and edit button.

Anyway, I only have a small group of close friends but still, sometimes I will still feel awkward. I’m friend with everybody but it’s just take me some time to be comfortable around them. I’m sorry if there is an awkward silence or energy surrounding us when you are talking to me. I still remain feeling uneasy with people that I have known for a long time. Even my family and relatives.

Recently, I take a personality test and the result shows that I’m 52% introvert. It’s fine actually. It is. It is true that I love to spend my time alone with my thoughts. Well, I do hate the fact that I’m shy. I hate it when I feel nervous and have to struggle to make conversation with people.

Sometimes when you are really awkward, you do awkward things. -Jenna Marbels.

I can relate. Lol. This post is what I called a Brain Dump. Cheers 😀

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