A Proud Ravenclaw

I rarely gave a pat on my own back but this entry I would like do JUST THAT. Hopefully, none of my readers (if any) thought that I am being conceited or complacent.

I graduated with Master degree on September ‘19 (loooong overdue, I know). Hence, the title, to show that I am worthy and qualified to be sorted in the House. Heh. So, there, you go. That’s the little achievement. I did not think it was a big of a deal but that was just me being too hard on myself and forgotten how blessed, privileged and lucky I am.

We, human, sometimes forgot to be grateful for all the littles thing and there is someone out there longing for the stuffs that we take for granted; a phone with fast wi-fi, a car, understanding parents (do share with me your little blessing on the comment section below). So say it with me, together, loud and clear, Alhamdulillah. Good. Moving on.

I am blessed to have parents that fully believe that education is important- that it is not a waste of money nor time to gain knowledge (Trust me, not everyone think that). I am privileged to have family that would and able to fully support me financially to further my study. I am also lucky to be able to surround myself with people that think alike (In early 2020, I learnt the importance of *kufu’).

I am filled with gratitude to the people that help me along the journey. It was not an easy one, of course. Kita buat benda betul/baik memanglah susah (Dr. Wan, 2019).

I lost 3kgs of my weight. It was the lightest I have ever been in my life. I didn’t take care of myself. All I wanted was to quickly finished my lab works so that I could focused on my thesis writing (my favourite part. It was therapeutic for me). Usually, I ate once a day, in the afternoon even though most of the food were almost finished by that time. That was my lunch and dinner. I ate just to survive.

Sat there alone and cried while eating because I was stressing with my lab work. Crying in public is my forte. I do not remember how many times I cried in public but it just never bothers me and strangers, too, did not bother me. There was also one time when I felt hungry at night at the lab but cafes were no longer open so I ate candy… for my dinner.

I had difficulties in sleeping. I would usually end my lab work around 11.30PM, went back to my hostel, showered, get ready for bed, brain won’t shut, kept on thinking about my research, even let my log book open on the table in case I suddenly came up with new ideas or to-do-lists and then went back to the lab again around 12AM because I just couldn’t wait till 8AM the next morning to do just ONE thing. Everyone, meet my anxiety. It creeped most of my night. No one knows, of course.

I even gotten sick. I injured my right eye. I was so hurting, mind you, never in my 4 years in USM, I went to the hospital. Finally, in my fifth year there, I lost the battle.

I went to the hospital alone (sedih) to get my eye treated, I didn’t know where the department was so I asked around and when I finally found it, the nurse there said I had to register first so with my half-closed inflamed eye, I went for another quest, searching for the place she told me. Found it and I guessed the person in charge with the registration took pity of my condition and beckoned me to the counter before my number was called.

Long story short, the doctor said it was conjunctivitis. I reckon it was not. Conjunctivitis usually took at least one week to recover but it only took me 3-4 days (it did not stop me from going to the lab at night since only the daylight hurts my eye) and it was not itchy nor I had excessive eye boogers. Besides, a few days after that the feeling of my right eye being punctured plus excessive tears came back. Always every morning (the pain always woke me up) and last for about 2 to 3 hours and I would lay motionless on my bed unable to open my eyes and then my eye was okay again.

I ignored it until I finished my postgraduate study and even months after that (another evidence of my lack of self-care) when I finally asked my mom to bring me to the optometrist. The optometrist said I have dry eye and (battle) scar on my right eye. The pain was on and off till this day (it has been a year). Some day I would woke up shocked with pain in my eye in the middle of the night and some other day.. just normal.

Imagine like thousands of needles punctured your eyes. It even made me scared to fell asleep but I’m used to it now. It still hurts, though. I have been using at least 5 different eye medicines because some of them gave me allergies reaction. All of the sufferings were due to too much exposure to blue light; phone and laptop. I am addicted to my phone, mom said but I would like to believe that I studied hard reading all the journals and writing on hundreds of thesis pages 😉

Friends. Where are they? Who are they? I am not even going to start about my “friends” but I read somewhere, apa pun yang menyakitimu, ikhlaskan. Easier said than done, of course.

Fare thee well, everyone. I am going to end this entry with a picture of my parents and I.

*kufu’ – compatibility status (usually for marriage) between a woman and man. In this entry, I am not talking in religion nor money/work-wise aspects of kufu’ between couple but in the way our brain works/think/process/understand stuff between friends. I believe it depends on the tolerance between both party but if we do not have the same view in life, especially in something that we feel strongly about, well, that’s just going to be one hard ride. To put it simply, just plain frustrating.

Overdue

A nice person found out that I own this blog. I almost forgot about it. I haven’t updated this blog since 2016 due to busy life, laziness and writer’s block. Besides, speech is never my thing. The last time I tried writing on this blog was on Dec 31, 2016 6:41PM but didn’t publish any (see figures).

Drafts

2016

There were so many events, lessons, shits, experiences and incidents that had happened to me since.

If God wills, maybe someday, I sit down in front of my laptop and pour out everything that was long overdue.

Till then, fare thee well.

Priority

2/6/2016

terima kasih Pada mereka yang buat aku rasa banyak walau cuma Sementara tidak Selama kerana banyak itu aku ingat sampai lama tipu jika aku kata tidak punya rasa Cinta pada Mereka semua

tanya aku, aku jawab priority kita berbeda.

-Azsyerrah

Because to feel tired is not an option

But what should I do if that is the only thing that I feel right now?

I’m physically, mentally and emotionally tired.

Tired of feeling sad.

Tired of trying so hard.

Tired of juggling everything into one.

Tired of making everyone happy while I’m not.

Tired of simply being tired..

I can be the weakest or strongest person you will ever meet,

The happiest or the saddest person you will ever encounter and there is no in between.

But I’m currently in my lowest point.

Again.

I have enough of everything.

I’m beat up. I’m exausted. I’m almost at the end of my tether.

“Semua orang penat.”

I know and I’m sorry.
I’m just tired. That’s all.

21 March 2016.

Take only memories, leave only footprints

Peace be upon you.

It has been a long time since I updated my blog. I was busy. I wanted to say “busy doing unproductive thing” like I used to but no. There were so many things happened to me, crossed so many things on my bucket list, traveled to so many places and I met new people along the way and it is not even the end of the year yet. Alhamdu’lillah.

I feel so blessed. This semester, I went so many new places, cities and get to meet new people compared to the past 2 semesters. Can you believe that?

I made some new friends from University Malaysia Kelatan and they are awesome. Furthermore, in just 3 months I had the opportunity to go to Terengganu, Pahang, Kuala Lumpur and Selangor! I still haven’t go to Kedah and Penang but let’s save the best for last. (Mau beli baju kurung Kedah dulu pastu selfie selfie tengah sawah padi.) However, the bad news is 2 days and sometimes 3 is never enough for each states. I want more time so I can go sightseeing and it would be wonderful if I went there for the sake of traveling and not for a test or anything. But oh well, wherever you go, go with all your heart and of course, there’s a good news. The good news is I have another 9 more states and 1 federal territory to go before I can cross my bucket list No. 27. Hewhew.

And then, Baamm! Bucket list NO. 28 – Be a member of Silat Cekak with a certificate (I don’t know what is Ahli Tamat in English. LOL)

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Front row: Saiful, Kak Syafiqah, Kak Qilah, Kak Simah, Kak Mida. 2nd row from left: Harith, Bidi, Shah, Abu, Yaya, Me, Kak Aisha, Azreena, Fiina, Kak Lin.

Not yet but almost.

19 November 2015, Night (or is it early morning)

I was thrilled, excited, fired up, tense, anxious, worried, restless and all of them at once. I said I was okay and I’m feeling fine when people asked if I was nervous for the Silat Cekak test. I lied. Well, technically, I was not nervous. Maybe I was high but I can guarantee you that I was not okay. I was not fine at all.

I was crying. For god sake, I’m such a cry baby. Please, someone help slap the hell out of me when I start to cry again. I was crying in the bus, it was dark and I was sitting alone and everyone was fast asleep so maybe that’s why I was feeling a little bit emotional. Damn it, Syerroro, you are such a drama queen.

I cried because I just couldn’t believe that I did it. It was hard. It was so hard and challenging for me. I thought of giving up so many times but I still continued. I didn’t give up when the rest left. I was so proud of myself. 

I’m 86 lbs and 5’1 and I suck but why not? I mean, WHY THE FUCKING NOT?

See, I’m getting emotional again. It was not something to be proud of but to me this is huge. I’m not this kind of girl who punches and kicks people and get slap, punches, pushes, reverse kick, all type of kicks without any reasons. I’m weak. Physically and emotionally. 

The training before the big test was harsh. 4 days straight every week. Bruises, blood, black and blue mark here and there but all is good. All is well. I survive and if I could do it all over again, I would. (Yekee ni?) Okay, maybe not but I miss training with just the 15 of us. It would be never be the same again and it’s true that you never miss what you had, ’till it’s gone and sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.

Thank you. Thank you for the tears, laughs and smiles.

20 November 2015, around 10:20 PM

If you suck at it, you might just as well enjoy it.

Before the test;

I was jumpy. I just couldn’t wait for them to call my name. “Let’s just get over it fast!” I want all of it to end quickly. My heart beat went dupdapdupdap like seriously dupdapdupdap. My heart was thumping fast. I was eager and impatient because all of this stress I had for almost 1 month of training was going to be over soon.

During;

“Syerr, do it faster.” “Syerr, punch harder.” “Syerr, you can do it but do it faster.” “Syerr, faster. Faster.” And that was the only thing I could remember and I showed him my “Tolonglah terima saya seadanya/Please accept me the way I am” kind of look. The head judge kept calling my name over and over again and I never despise my name but I felt like changing my name after the test.

After;

Hell, I was happy and shaking. I walk quickly to find my other teammates and I was so glad when I saw their faces, the faces that know. I called their name with my high pitched voice, smile from ear to ear like I just saw them for the first time after a very long separation. Again, drama queen. But that’s just how glad I am. I felt lost and so relieved when I heard people calling my name and then I saw them sitting together waiting the rest of us to finish. They are just.. love. Thank you.

I tried, I did my best and sometimes, that is enough but it’s still not over. I still have my theory test this 2nd of December at 9PM. LOL.

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Ahli Silat Cekak Cawangan Kelantan at Persatuan Seni Silat Cekak Malaysia, Kelas Latihan Shah Alam

 

Wish me luck and fare thee well.

The Curse of 20 Something

Nah, It was not a big transformation like Caitlyn Jenner or Laverne Cox or anything but it kind of a huge thing for me.

Dun dun dun.

Finally, I’m wearing braces! Not that shocking, eh? Well, okay then. But hey! I had been wanting to wear braces since I was in secondary school.

And currently studying in local university, 20 years old with pimples here and there, big, round spectacles and BRACES! Yeay!

The curse of 20 something.

I started wearing them on 19th of May and I chose pink and blue for my braces. Yeay! I just couldn’t stop admiring the color combination. Lol.

I only wear braces on my upper teeth and I’m going to wear them on my lower teeth on 22nd of June.

At first, I was very scared because they will remove at least 4 of my teeth and then, I started imaginging my face wearing braces with this crooked teeth of mine, oh my oh my, from ugly to hideous real quick, aren’t we?

I’m not really worried about the pain, I just don’t want to be toothless. Haha.

Good news was that the doctor said she will going to remove only 2 of my upper teeth and no removal for my lower teeth. Thank goodness!

But I guess wearing braces was not that bad after all. Well, yes, the wire does look like a roller coster trails since it was going up and down and then up again but I can live with that because that was the reason why I want to wear braces: to correct my crooked teeth and then slowly, they will move and ta-da, beautiful and perfect teeth. I cant wait for that to happen. Maybe 1 year from now? 2 years? In shaa Allah.

I guess people with braces or want to get braces will understand me. I’m very insecure with my teeth. I never smile with my teeth showing because I’m very embarassed with my severe crowding and overbite teeth. The doctor said that the size of my teeth are just too big for my small mouth and gums and that was why they were not aligned or in positions they were supposed to be.

Some people even jokes about my teeth by calling me mean names and all and I do remember coming home crying. Haha. 

Thanks for reading and fare thee well 😊